Empty Life?

I think I need to start living again.

What exactly constitutes to call the life that I'm leading - a meaningful one?
How rich I am? How happy I am? How much experience I've garnered all these years?  Or knowledge?

Whatever it is, I don't feel like I have a life. Even if I have, it's routine, empty, lonely and unfulfilling.
I hate whatever rut I'm in right now, I hate the empty house that I come home to every single day, I hate the current (now ex) job for the shitty moods that it puts me under, hate that I now have to go searching for a new job or else resort to begging for money to pay off my monthly insurance, hate that I have such limited social circles & friends, hate that I am still fat (period.), and hate that my thoughts sometimes wander to J.

A once asked me, are u really ok with leaving your 8 years of relationship behind? Are you able to move on?

I hesitated.

And a fog of emotion just envelops me. No, I am actually not ok. I still think of J now and then, which then puts me into a very dreamy state, full of guilt & sadness. I see his FB profile and wonder whether he is doing well. I sometimes start getting paranoid when I am around his area, about what my reaction would be if I happen to bump into him. Would I look dumpy? Would he look down on me? What will I say? What will I feel? Will the guilt show on my face?

This is exactly what happens when you do something that you'll regret after. Indeed, you will definitely move on, given the grace of time, but the shadows of that deed will always remain and linger... forming tendrils of bolts and chains that shackles your feet and reminds you now and then.

But despite all that, despite the shitty situation that I find myself in now, I constantly remind myself of the blessings that I should and need to count, in order to continue living.

I am happy to be breathing and be alive, I am happy that I don't need to pay all the home bills, I am happy that I can now get rid of the shitty job and move on to something better, which obviously pays me better and let me meet new friends and social circles, I am happy that I have a bunch of lovely girlfriends who still tolerate my nonsense and remembers that I exist, I am happy that I didn't get a heart attack despite my fatness and that I'm getting down to losing that weight again, and last of all, I am happy that I have A in my life.

A is neither handsome nor armed with degrees. He does not have a car, or a secret storeroom filled with gold bars. He does not dress immaculately and does not speak perfect English.

But he keeps me happy and humbled by his love. He encourages me to be mindful of certain things I take for granted and he has the same character & temperament as I do. (a high libido helps too:P)

I am still cautious as to whether this can all last, and whether my heart can remain steadfast & loyal, but one thing for sure, I am happy in his arms and I can see myself waking up beside him everyday. I love A for who he is and for accepting who I am despite all my terrible flaws & immaturity. Till now after 8 months, I still feel a little surprised of how comfortable I am in his arms and how we can talk about anything under the sun, even though he is obviously not my type.

I believe things do happen for a reason.

Perhaps it's only after experiencing the feeling of an empty life, will I be able to treasure and know exactly what kind of meaningful life I'm seeking after.

Ending a possible happy ending

I finally got down to telling him.. ending it. calling for the curtains to close. By my hand. Whilst he haven't replied... i guess he will still respect my decision.

Gosh how much I miss him... looking back at what we had, what we could have had and possibly be together. Just the ending messages alone has reduced me now into a blubbering ball of crying simpleton..akin to my heart being broken into two. It hurts so much.. I don't even know whether Im making the right decisions..

I wonder whether I have such strong feelings for A..I do but probably can't compare to an 8 year love..one that I ended two fucking times.

I'm an idiot. Maybe I do deserve to be thrown stones at. Entirely my fault.
Cant stop the damn tears when I think back on the wrong that I've done and sorrow I've brought upon him and to my stupid self.

But the truth is - I've made a decision. May not be the best one, or a right one, but one that I must and need to live with.

Why isn't he replying yet..

Fuck..

In any case.. A loves me a lot and I'm humbled by that.. I should cherish that and change my ways.

maybe i'm just a needy bitch who clamours for attention. can't stop hating myself.

sigh.

sigh.

sigh.

oh heart ah heart..
I'm so clear yet so muddled.
I'm so awake yet mired in darkness.
tantalizing to the senses, yet weighing down hard on my insides.

impossible that one, when having given a taste, wouldn't want or desire for more.
The first whirring of hurt has started its flight. Taken flight and landed. Taken flight and burrowed deep. Can you really walk away when the time is right? Will you really be willing to be used by me?

Who am I? I'm really my own worst enemy.

just smile

have you ever thought of someone or something and just can't help smiling like a stupid idiot?

That's what I'm reduced these days when I think of J..
.
.
.
.
.


hee :)

I'm so happy!! I have no idea how to explain it. Despite the piling workload, I feel happy to have him in my life. Although there is no more calls of sweet goodnights or messages... but just a minimum of one call & one message everyday is enough to make me happy..I don't mind waiting for him after work just to go home together with him. I don't mind driving him here and there, if it just means spending a little more time with him talking and stealing kisses before he goes off. Not very strong-woman-sounding confession amidst a whole lotta publicity on International Women's Day, and I probably sound like a simpering female. Heck. HAHAH. I can be his 'small woman' (- chinese translated) while I go out and conquer the world in the meantime. HOHOHOHOHO *cue victorious laughter*

:)

And furthermore, we are heading to Taiwan end month!!!! Our very first independent overseas trip. The place where we have always wanted to go together ever since we started dating... like frigging 8 years ago. wheeee~~~~~

happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.

haha... crazy me. 

I'm like planning what to wear.
Planning how much to spend.
Planning what I'm spending on.
Planning where to go.

Hope all goes well. 

---

Aside from that.. I feel so fan jian sometimes. I actually do have some self-realization that I do like to have the attention from the opposite sex.. (which girl don't), and have the big ego thing whereby daydreaming whether the guy will like me. But I also came to another conclusion at the same time.. although there may be such daydreams, but reality-wise, I rather stick to my guy. Not easy finding one who loves me just the way I am. No matter how many stretch marks I have on my fat butt, no matter how sloppy I am, no matter how dumb I may be.. he'll love me the same.

And that is faith. Faith that we'll travel the road of life together, smooth or bumpy.

And there is effort. Effort to make our relationship stronger, passion to burn ever brighter. 

 Happiness. I found you. :)

 

I am a two headed snake.

Sometimes.. i think i need some serious slapping.

Why do I keep making the same mistake!!!!!
Yew Stewpid heart.

I know yet I don't know.

I am clear and yet perhaps I choose not to be.

It's a danger zone yet I get so attracted to it and keep accepting the advances. Slowly but surely, it starts growing on me. hell.

I'm like in a rut nowadays.

Being alone and unmotivated to work is bad enough. Having a nagging parent who is not only unsupportive but also keep bringing up how bad my job is is a fucking pain in the neck.

Feel so disconnected with society. How on earth do I go about expanding my social circle??!
Sometimes I just wanna go party to enjoy and just get real high. But I don't think I know any group of frens who do that. And as one's generation gets older, people start settling down, people starts categorizing themselves under the 'I'm too old & too tired to club anymore' section. But that's besides the point.

Maybe that's why I get so dependent on people. And like them so easily. Is it because I crave attention? I crave affection?

I need to break away from this depressing state called me. It's plain pathetic upon reflection.
I need to get busy.

I feel so disgusted with myself sometimes how much I miss J. The more I meet him the more I miss him.

I know the difference yet perhaps I ....

I need to wake the fuck up. That's what. Well, but maybe later.. sigh.

Hype.

I have no idea what the hype is.

Rape & sexual harassment has always been a problem in India. Actually not just in India. SO many other bloody parts of the world...for SO Long. Why are they only starting to focus on this issue like now?

I'm not saying that this shouldn't be the case. Am really glad and grateful for the proliferating organizations protecting women's rights, helping rape victims, and so on, with the greater media spotlight shining on them -- this is a blessing in disguise.

Still, why only now? puzzled by it.

Must we only start moving our butt to protect something only when something horrific happens? And this sort of shit has happened before. Why the sudden hype?

Same with the tragic shooting incident in the US. Only when like more than 10 kids die, then people start sitting up and listen. Start voicing out and standing up for what's right. Pushing hard for laws to ban licensing of firearms.

Like.. isn't it too late?

It's like saying we should kill like 1000 dolphins before people start trying to save them. Or we should wipe out the whole Amazon of trees before people start treasuring greens and make a more active effort to conserve.

In the end, comes down to humans are fucked up creatures. We move only based on our own selfish gains. Only when something horrific happens, which trips our wire of conscience or crosses the boundaries of what we consider humane, would our mouths form an 'Oh NO, we should do something'.

Weird.

Indulging in New Fats

Anyone can tell me where I can find a new body? Lol. fat hopes.

Indeed, I have new hopes for the new year, and none of them have 'fatness' involved. Ok. mayb Fat Bonus, Fat Salary could be one fatness that I can deal with. But Fat Body, kns. I need that changed. Pronto.

I need to get involved in different sort of fats.. those that are healthier.. like fatty dreams, fatty pockets full of cash. Work, I can deal with that. Just a matter of dealing with my procrastination and indecisiveness.

As for body... HOW TOOOOOO. i love eating. One bag of chips, gotta finish them all.

Exercise - no. 1 excuse, I've just exercised. Can eat more. Pui.

But since I have slimmed down before, I believe I can do it again. At that time, I was so damn close to my target when I just gave up and om nom my way all the way back to my fatness. Wtf.

Look at this recent fat me. it's like oh my fucking gosh. I might as well jump down a building in shame.

Camera angles seriously don't mean shit in reality. Because in real life, you Are looking like shit, according to the shittified body ideals set by society. Those who are skinny yet keep whining and saying how much they need to slim down, they need to jump down the building before me. Because they don't relish and treasure what they have.

As for why I haven't jumped down, is because I have other things to be much grateful for. Despite the things I lack, I am grateful for the things that I have. A complete though dysfunctional family. A healthy (for now) though seriously out of shape body. An above average family background that allows me to purchase things I want, give me opportunities that some others might not have even though they want to. A job that allows me to travel & meet people high-up though they deprive me of certain benefits. Even the most basic, like a toilet bowl for me to defaecate in should be a luxury in life that we should be thankful for. Haha.


So for this year, am just gonna concentrate on my job, make the most of my travelling, work on loving J more & more, be more updated on news, make more friends (I wonder how I'm gonna accomplish this), make my money grow by saving or investing, and of course.. be healthier by slimming down. :)

1st goal: 10 kg down by May. I can do this.

insecure

why o why.

Wikipedia told me: 'A person who is insecure lacks confidence in their own value, and one or more of their capabilities, lacks trust in themselves or others, or has fears that a present positive state is temporary, and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in the future.'

I think I'm going through this frigging phase right now in my r/s.

Is this normal? Is it because I let him go once that I feel scared of losing him? That the present positive glow will be gone? I am scared.

Scared of facing his family again. Will their thoughts of me be: this is the girl who hurt my son/brother.. T_T

Scared of losing him to other girls.

Scared that maybe he had already 'seen' the outside world and maybe he's just back with me because of familiarity?? arghhhhhhhh!!!! *getting psychotic and paranoid*

Maybe part of the insecurity is because he isn't announcing with a loudhailer to the world that I'm his again, or that he has a girlfriend. His sisters dunno that we're back together. I feel small and down. I don't want to force this sort of weird feelings of mine or ideas on him. This should be something automatic.. something that you would like to do.

I mean.. I would most definitely like to shout out in facebook (for example), HE'S MINE YOU MUTHERFUCKERS! ALL GIRLS ON HIS FB if you have interest in him, BUG THE F OFF.~ (this is just an extreme saying). But I can't because I have to think of the feelings of the kind ex bf. -_-

I feel like telling him delete all those stupid girl photos on ur phone. the ONLY sexy girl photos on your god damn phone shld be mine. WTF.

Sigh. Maybe I should be more bighearted. I should be more understanding. I should be a lot of things. But I'm not. This jealous & insecure state has always been a part of me. I realise that I am willing to swallow down a lot of these for him. Willing to run to him, to be where he is. But do I like this person? I have no idea...

Take Caution.

Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you

Time to take caution.

Y is it so hard to have a good guy friend. I do believe it is quite impossible, unless he's gay. I think that's my conclusion in life already.

Or maybe it's just my problem. When I like someone (as a friend), I become sweet to him, talk to him more, teh a bit (like all girls do right??), and then poof! He likes me -_-

Do I give out mixed signals? I feel those signals from the good friend and then my mind starts wandering around.. romantically. ARGH!!

Bad itch.

I need to take caution. I don't wanna fall into the same trap and end up in the same rut with J again. Just seeing J having SGgirls sexy photos on his phone makes me see red & green... uber Christmas colours but no festive celebration involved. Maybe fireworks, but those that can kill.. :(

Well, he says those are what he do to make fun with his guy colleagues, 'xchanging' sexy girl photos. Major WTFFFFF. 

But I will REN! I have faith in him.

And similarly, if he knows I'm going out with other guys who have romantic intentions, I'm sure he'll see red too... (I hope).

Finally told friend that I'm back with J.. he's disappointed but oh well.. *pat on my own back* that I have the courage to know what I want and not encourage further romantic feelings. KUDOS TO ME!!! :D

Guess that's all...for now:)
Love my baby.

he looks like old pervert here. lol~

jealousy

Today's ensemble.

Why be jealous? Why am I jealous?

There are tons of things in life to be jealous about.
Money, body, lifestyle, character, luck, love... so many things that we want to be, so many things that we lust after, so much of someone else we wanna be.

But perhaps one of mine includes family.

How can other people's family be so seemingly (i'm sure it is) warm and friendly and close to each other? Being far away from relatives is already bad enough. Mine is also haunted with a large crack mended with UHU glue.. still fragile despite a long period of time.

Perhaps we're not close enough because I don't make the effort. No one makes an effort anyway.
Perhaps we're loving but we just don't show it in the way that others do. Expression of love comes in many form and ways.

It's just a bit saddening and a sense of disconnectedness. Throw in a large bout of dependance because of stark loneliness. That's the chemistry that I face when I go home.

When S mentions 'the house is like a hotel' - I get damn mad. It's somewhat true but it's My house, my home.

So anyway, jealousy. This is what happens when one migrate. This is what happens when one cheats and destroys a family. These are the ramifications brought about by many different factors.

So what if you have money, body, trendy lifestyle... Without family warmth, you're still one lonely soul in the world. Unless you're counting bf/husband into the mix. But it's still kinda different. Nothing is the same as your blood family.

My jealousy is probably gonna last a long time. But it reminds me of the ramifications and I def wun put my (if future kid) through this shit.

just feel like talking

Hmm... this is getting addictive again. blogging.

Maybe it's because I'm so damn lonely. No relatives, lacking social circles, no colleagues, have sibling but also like no sibling.
Maybe it's because I wanna do something else besides working.

Hell I still have to finish writing a white paper after this. And plan for the media comms for the white paper. Wait, I hven't even talked about the website. and sales & marketing. and my global calendar for meetings in 2013. OMGGGGGAWDDDD. I'm like everything. I should hire an intern and get help.

Anyway.. I'm looking forward to head to Shanghai & Guangzhou. HEHE. well my main aims is basically shopping, eating smelly tofu, xiao long bao, and more shopping. But pretty excited as well because my dad bought me an Sony RX100 camera. It's pretty good and I can't wait to test it out:) But just wondering what am I gonna do to my LX3. I've manhandled it. Cap is lost, the top is like dented and there is a huge scratch on the screen.

But I love it to bits. Why? Coz it's a present from Jason :) <3 p="p">Till now, I've kept the first photo that I've taken with this camera on the camera - a picture of him :D

heeeee~

*slaps myself* get a grip elaine.

Ok going back to the topic of shopping in Guangzhou.. haha I'm so looking forward to looking at the fake goods. wahahhaha~ My aim is as below:

CELINE LUGGAGE TOTE!!!

hahaa.. hmm actually this is kinda the only thing that I wanna get. No other items attract me. Ok maybe a new beats earphones. hahaha But the previous time I bought (not cheap also ok), it kinda spoiled very soon.. sucky.

Hmm maybe a YSL if it's real enough looking

HUR HUR.

Yes yes. I'm guilty of being a brand slut.

okok. Better get back to doing work stuff. Miss him ~~

I sent him a msg today:

"Dear Bear, I would like to inform you that you are under Ms. Fish's most wanted criminal. You are found guilty of theft and molestation since 20/9/2004. Accused of having stolen her heart and touching her soul (and body), you have been sentenced to a lifetime of everlasting love. Do you plead guilty?"

and he replied:

"I plead... not guilty! *so I can get a harsher sentence*" (LOL)
"I shall defend myself. I do not accept the charges. I was a willing party. I wanted to give my heart and soul and body willingly. If that is a crime, sentence me till I breathe no more."

HOW to not melt into nothingness again. kns.


ok. I think we're sort of into our second honeymoon period. For me, at least. :D

He's just so darn cute. dammit. :P

Blossoming is not a good thing when it's sidewards

DAMMIT!!!

why do I keep blossoming. And look at those pimples + wrinkles. Fucking hell!!
I'm not being vain here.

Just recently very irritated with myself. Can't stop eating. Face not getting good. wrinkles multiplying like there's no tomorrow. Dear face, I know you wanna be a signboard educating every pair of eyes that this bui person here is getting old. but can u please slow down!!!!


Maybe I need to get started on SKII or something.

Maybe what they say is true. After 25, the years go past in a blink of an eye. Knowing it does not make things better. Or maybe I COULD make it better by living it to the fullest. But days are going by too damn fast. I'm 25. Soon I'll be 3freaking0 years old.

I'm freaking about my job. What if I wanna change jobs when I'm 30. Am I able to keep up with the times? Or even get a relevant job as compared to a fresh grad?

I'm Freaking about money. Am I saving enough? with such a lifestyle that we're lusting after nowadays, buying clothes, shoes, make up, numbers on my bankbook are never increasing.

I'm freaking about marriage. Yes. I wanna get married and wake up every single day hugging Jason and being sexually satisfied. (:P) but..,ahhhhhhh!!!!


ok fuck this. enough said. I'm heading to the gym.

Welcoming the month of celebrations

Great. December's here. The month of feasting on turkey, ham, cakes, cakes and more cakes.

But this month has started off very irritable. Number one, I don't particularly appreciate when someone keeps telling you that you should do this, you should do that, when that person does not even take any responsibility or has any power over how I should do things. This is not your 'belonging' and you have not displayed any so called care besides ooo-ing and aaaa-ing, so seriously, am truly pissed when you start criticizing how I take care or nagging me to do certain things in a particular way. Definitely not fucking cool and fucking getting on my nerves.

Anyway, my temper is quite mild, so if I'm trying to keep it under control, means it really is..

oh well.

anyway am busy chasing my happiness with J while trying to contend with my laziness at work. LOL. Can't get motivated. But am happyyyy~~~

In the past, when I ask J, "what if I tell you one day that I'm pregnant?"
J answers, "hmm don't think we're ready (which I really am not), well I have ways and I will definitely go through it (abortion) with you."

Ok. the above sounds really callous but basically I will ask whether he will go hospital with me and he says of course. Because I find babies a nuisance and a big burden on work, life and financially. If one CANNOT bring up a new life properly into this competitive world, then DON'T. Don't ruin someone's life and create traumatic experiences.

anyway, so after we got back together and recently I asked J again,
"what if I tell you one day that I'm preggy?"

J answers, "hmm I'll marry you."

!!!!!!!!
*shocked me*, who then subsequently dissolves into a melting pot of happiness & shyness.

hahahaha. :) Happy.

Insecurity

I have no idea how to explain this. I'm so afraid for myself right now and my feelings of insecurity. I have no idea why I feel so insecure. I seriously need to get a grip on myself.

I'm feeling really happy these days, relishing having him back in my life. Trying to meet him for meals or whatever time he could have because his schedule is just so uncertain and tight. I know he's making an effort to send me messages/calls as well..

Why the hell am I insecure if I'm happy then?

Because I let him go. Because he had the chance to have thoughts of getting another girl in his life. My possessiveness and absolute jealousy is troubling me. lol. stupid insecure feelings.

I don't even know if I'm making sense. Who am I to judge when I myself have harboured so many times, thoughts of another person in my life. And even did have someone else. -_-

But J does things to me. He transforms me into a simpering female. Because if you can get me to make an effort to do something for you, eg. a card, you truly mean something to me. If not, I'd probably won't give a damn. Even Sandy start saying.. see see see! With Ray you won't do this kind of thing. And when I'm talking on the phone with J, my mum chides, "don't act cute". hahaha wth.

I become an irritating female who can't bear to let him go... who is dependent on her bf and craves for his attention & love. Which, disgusts me sometimes. I feel disgusted with myself. RAWRRRR~ Because I want to be a strong female. Someone independent and confident.

I feel that he has grown a lot stronger. And I need to catch up with that. ;(

One full circle back to You.

:)

Well.. we're kinda not really officially back together.. and this development has been quite sudden.. previous guy is still super sweet.. but I've finally made a decision to end it because it's just not what I was finding and despite trying for around 4 mths plus, I think although he is really sweet and innocent, but maybe I need something else.. Passion is still missing. The connection. To me, love should be easier. At least even in the honeymoon period. I still believe in sparks, in stealing kisses, hugs and the lingering reluctance to let each other go while saying goodbyes. 

And I can't believe that after 7 and a half years together, 6 months apart, me and J are still this way and that much in love with each other when we met up again a few days ago. 

I finally believe that it is really not a habit that my thoughts keep going back to J. The support, maturity and guidance that J can provide me is what I need. As for what I can provide him.. I'm not very sure.. but I just hope that I can be his support and hopefully keep him from spiralling down into depression again. I have so much weaknesses, but his unconditional love and connection with me is so heartwarming.. the kisses just so familiar.. the way i fit into his arms when he holds me.. :) tough to find.. 

I'm not sure whether my heart has finally settled down, but now, it is reveling in absolute happiness. Challenges definitely lie ahead. Him being busy in his work and the times when he disappears again.. but I guess we'll just try to make things work again. :) 

These few days are akin to a dream come true. I'm happy :)

Define happy. Definitely not now.

Hi long time friend (aka blog),

Missed me yet? haha. Just so bored that I've decided to come talk to you.

Just reading my past post 3-4 months ago, makes me wanna snort indulgently. All those talk about being a better person and happier. bullshit.

For the record, not really happier, not even better, still plump and growing fatter. wtf.

Define happy. definitely not really now. Sweet moments, but unsatisfied. Suffering from something that Scorpios need - passion. KNSMF! RAWR! I am making efforts to improve whatever I'm in, but on a deeper level.. I know that he doesn't know me well enough and I just don't have that inclination to share my thoughts because I feel that perhaps he won't understand it. Example sexual puns. WHO ELSE can understand that and catch it as fast as.. sigh. enough said.

He hass no want to own. There is no desire for more. I don't need a companion. I need a lover, a best friend and a partner for my own. ARGH! *mutter to myself* don't look back don't look back.

So many times I just wanna run back. countless. every single fucking day. tmd. I'm so ashamed of myself. ashamed of this heart that just betrays me. Especially when slow love ballads come on. stupid thoughts turn to regret and longing. UGH! stupid me. I even thought of my speech. but maybe he's having it better now. Perhaps he got to know a better girl other than me. Well guys move on faster. not like stupid girls like me.

Argh whatever. October is a month of revelation. Will make my decision by end year. 

As for work, Poland's up in October. Not really moving that smoothly and I'm supposed to be in charge. I'm just looking forward to go there to tour the place and see Prague at the same time.

T_T money money please somehow fly into my bank account. wtf.

Weight-wise - am going to do something about it. watch me. I'm gonna go full steam ahead in preparation for BC's wedding. RAWR! I can't be a fat emcee for a wedding lunch. target: 16 to cut. I can do it.

Cheerios. hate this word. seemingly indifferent and distant. Perhaps for the better. But definitely had my heart cursing. fml.

Yet again, have neglected this space of words.

I guess I will make it a point to update more often.. given the nature of my current job and also because I have more time to kill now that I'm single. Need to voice out more.. especially through words before my language skills start to rust and I go crazy.


Job-wise:

I am into 4 months plus into my new job... where my responsibilities include conference planning, PR and marketing. Pros of the job - flexi hours, able to travel around the world, great potential to meet government and business leaders across a wide range of industries, excitement and lots to learn. Probably can make me more streetwise. Cons of the job - flexi hours, loneliness, independence, self-motivated work. Besides me, my 'company' is just the VP and then the Chairman. That's it. Hence, when I'm down and low, when I need to bitch, when I need motivation, when I need to just gossip, there are just four walls. Maybe I should start thinking of adopting netball like Tom Hanks as a companion and draw a hunky daopok on it.  -_-

But when there is work to do, it becomes so busy that I feel so alive and adrenaline is always pumping in my veins. I feel very accomplished when the work is finally done. And the best thing of the whole thing - the accomplishment is achieved overseas and ends with a great holiday at the country where I'm at. ;)

So far, I've been to Jakarta and Sydney. Phase 2 is in the planning stages and what's on the drawing board is China, India, Africa (Zambia or South Africa), Middle East (Oman), Europe (Portugal, or Serbia or Switzerland), and Malaysia i think. haha~ So many cultures to be exposed to.. something which not many jobs can offer me.

Guess this is life's rule of thumb - nothing can be perfect. There is always the good and bad for every single thing. Eg. traveling is so awesome and enriching, but expect lesser zeroes in your saving account/ blogging is such a great way to spew out your thoughts within and share with friends, but expect forever storage in google's database and infringing of privacy..Give and take.. depends how much you can tolerate the bad and make the best out of the good portions:) and with that.. comes my next category: Love.


Love-wise:

I'm a mess these past few months. Met some really great people, met some really horrible and shitified human beings. I have made a decision to move on from a very precious 7 year relationship due to not being able to tolerate the bad and my heart's infidelity. I have grown just a little bit stronger from this period of time.. and steadfast in my decision making.. and also grown weaker with the loss of a precious love. So many memories, so many promises made and a future that we have envisioned together. I've decided to give that all up. Stupid me? Yes. without a doubt because I still love him. But I believe this will help me gain more knowledge as to what I really want out of my life, what kind of partner I want in future and be less dependent on love.

Greatest advice I've gotten out of this whole episode - 'There is more to life than just BGR.'

So fucking true. Don't be so desperate to be attached. Yes, I definitely want someone to be by my side when I'm low, to share when I'm happy, to run into someone's arms when I need a hug. But there is much more to life than all these.

My aim now: to fulfill my own goals, establish a more stable career and meet more people.. because there is indeed a bigger world out there.

Many people at my age of 25 in Singapore probably are living a life of :

• Get married to my boyfriend
• Get a flat
• Rise up the corporate ladder

Guess that's the norm. Even my grandma wants to pray for me to get more Tao HUA (love luck). OH please. I have enough this half a year. I'm a bit scared and numb already. Although I currently kinda like someone who likes me in return..but there is no desire at all from my side to be attached (at least for now), and I'm sincerely glad.

I'm sure there's more than life than the above three points. We are often so stuck inside our own day-to-day things and routine and work responsibilities that I wonder.. is that it? I want to know more, I want to get out. I want more more more. But it is oh so easy to just fall back into the routine and get lazy. How do you become someone who matters? How do you become SOMEONE even? with A life worth living?

I need to get my thinking straight and be a better person. I need to cultivate that hunger to learn. Hope it isn't too late to do so. :):)

It's been so long since I last said something on this virtual space.

I've just been going on and on with work.. getting absorbed into it, just doing the day-to-day stuff.

One year later from the time when I've just received news of my first job.. this post is going to announce.. the news of quitting my first job.. and looking for the second. :S

Things didn't go my way, people who try to harm me at work has succeeded in doing so.

perhaps the only crime that I did was being stupid enough to be caught... handing someone the weapon to kill me with. And so, I've tendered. And Jobless. F my LIFE!

Haha. but all is not lost. I know. I am positively (somewhat) looking forward to new challenges and have gone to one interview so far.... which led me to feel like the worst loser in the whole wide world who doesn't know shit about PR. The MD made me feel so green, made me feel like I've not seen enough in my previous company. The scope which I was exposed to is so.. so small. Totally like Jing Di Zhi Wa (A frog sitting inside a well only sees the sky as wide as the well). *I hope i translated it correctly* hahaha~

Well. A change is probably good. I was thinking of getting out there early next year anyway. What pisses me off is being cheated of my bonus and a promotion. KNN.

Oh well. This could be a good time for me to read up more.. and just apply for jobs. And i better get one before the economy tumbles to rock bottom.....

as for love issues...

After this incident.. a low point in my life.. i found out who is most concerned for me... who is most mature about things. And our relationship has became better. :) And i'm thankful for that.

But of course, there are unanswered questions in my mind.. irritating habits still yet to dissipate. I wish to make things clear.. but have no idea how to.

I am so bored at work.

Don't know whether this is what I initially set out to do.

But am glad that a recent effort of mine paid off. And boss actually attributed it all to her idea of flash mob. WTF. the client commented that it was passe during the presentation. AND SHE STILL claimed all the rewards. OH WHATEVER. -_-

I hope life gets better. I hope life gets more fulfilling. I hope I take away something from this work experience.

I hope that my heart still loves as usual.

im feeling so unhappy and have no place to express it except this derelict blog with cobwebs hanging from it due to my lack of usage/update.

i don't understand why i feel so lonely.

should i be voicing out my unhappiness that you're always so busy?

should i be more understanding when you have all the right reasons to be busy due to work?

am i still facing transitional problems? or is it just my work is so boring that i have too much time to think about such useless stuff and feel so lousy?

where were the really happy times? where were the times when you were so sweet? how often do i actually get to talk sweet nothings to you.. or rather YOU talking sweet nothings to me. Am i expecting too much?

from few messages + calls a day, to at least one phone call a day, to few phone calls a week.

what next? a month?

When I see stuff i wanna share with you or reminds me of you, i message you and wanna tell u everything. But when I see the lack of reply, I get so irritated. I feel unanswered. I feel neglected. I feel like im talking to a wall. I feel alone. Soon enough, I just get fed up. What's the use of messaging like a stupid desperate fool?

maybe im a too needy person. maybe i need attention. Maybe i need to stop this stupid thinking of mine. But then again, we hardly meet. if lucky, once a week.

i can't stop the tears from falling. it's been too long... i've reached my point. i feel so unhappy.
O tears just fall down my cheeks and sweep all these bitterness i feel.

tomorrow's valentine's day.

no plans. no mentions. no nothing. yes, its a capitalist day. I saw a tweet from my fren that says as long as both parties are content and happy, any and everyday should be a v day.

the problem is exactly that. Are both parties content and happy? I know Im not. At least not today. At least not tomorrow.

Oh let me sleep on it. Let me forget about it. Resolve me from this turmoil within.