I am a two headed snake.

Sometimes.. i think i need some serious slapping.

Why do I keep making the same mistake!!!!!
Yew Stewpid heart.

I know yet I don't know.

I am clear and yet perhaps I choose not to be.

It's a danger zone yet I get so attracted to it and keep accepting the advances. Slowly but surely, it starts growing on me. hell.

I'm like in a rut nowadays.

Being alone and unmotivated to work is bad enough. Having a nagging parent who is not only unsupportive but also keep bringing up how bad my job is is a fucking pain in the neck.

Feel so disconnected with society. How on earth do I go about expanding my social circle??!
Sometimes I just wanna go party to enjoy and just get real high. But I don't think I know any group of frens who do that. And as one's generation gets older, people start settling down, people starts categorizing themselves under the 'I'm too old & too tired to club anymore' section. But that's besides the point.

Maybe that's why I get so dependent on people. And like them so easily. Is it because I crave attention? I crave affection?

I need to break away from this depressing state called me. It's plain pathetic upon reflection.
I need to get busy.

I feel so disgusted with myself sometimes how much I miss J. The more I meet him the more I miss him.

I know the difference yet perhaps I ....

I need to wake the fuck up. That's what. Well, but maybe later.. sigh.

Hype.

I have no idea what the hype is.

Rape & sexual harassment has always been a problem in India. Actually not just in India. SO many other bloody parts of the world...for SO Long. Why are they only starting to focus on this issue like now?

I'm not saying that this shouldn't be the case. Am really glad and grateful for the proliferating organizations protecting women's rights, helping rape victims, and so on, with the greater media spotlight shining on them -- this is a blessing in disguise.

Still, why only now? puzzled by it.

Must we only start moving our butt to protect something only when something horrific happens? And this sort of shit has happened before. Why the sudden hype?

Same with the tragic shooting incident in the US. Only when like more than 10 kids die, then people start sitting up and listen. Start voicing out and standing up for what's right. Pushing hard for laws to ban licensing of firearms.

Like.. isn't it too late?

It's like saying we should kill like 1000 dolphins before people start trying to save them. Or we should wipe out the whole Amazon of trees before people start treasuring greens and make a more active effort to conserve.

In the end, comes down to humans are fucked up creatures. We move only based on our own selfish gains. Only when something horrific happens, which trips our wire of conscience or crosses the boundaries of what we consider humane, would our mouths form an 'Oh NO, we should do something'.

Weird.

Indulging in New Fats

Anyone can tell me where I can find a new body? Lol. fat hopes.

Indeed, I have new hopes for the new year, and none of them have 'fatness' involved. Ok. mayb Fat Bonus, Fat Salary could be one fatness that I can deal with. But Fat Body, kns. I need that changed. Pronto.

I need to get involved in different sort of fats.. those that are healthier.. like fatty dreams, fatty pockets full of cash. Work, I can deal with that. Just a matter of dealing with my procrastination and indecisiveness.

As for body... HOW TOOOOOO. i love eating. One bag of chips, gotta finish them all.

Exercise - no. 1 excuse, I've just exercised. Can eat more. Pui.

But since I have slimmed down before, I believe I can do it again. At that time, I was so damn close to my target when I just gave up and om nom my way all the way back to my fatness. Wtf.

Look at this recent fat me. it's like oh my fucking gosh. I might as well jump down a building in shame.

Camera angles seriously don't mean shit in reality. Because in real life, you Are looking like shit, according to the shittified body ideals set by society. Those who are skinny yet keep whining and saying how much they need to slim down, they need to jump down the building before me. Because they don't relish and treasure what they have.

As for why I haven't jumped down, is because I have other things to be much grateful for. Despite the things I lack, I am grateful for the things that I have. A complete though dysfunctional family. A healthy (for now) though seriously out of shape body. An above average family background that allows me to purchase things I want, give me opportunities that some others might not have even though they want to. A job that allows me to travel & meet people high-up though they deprive me of certain benefits. Even the most basic, like a toilet bowl for me to defaecate in should be a luxury in life that we should be thankful for. Haha.


So for this year, am just gonna concentrate on my job, make the most of my travelling, work on loving J more & more, be more updated on news, make more friends (I wonder how I'm gonna accomplish this), make my money grow by saving or investing, and of course.. be healthier by slimming down. :)

1st goal: 10 kg down by May. I can do this.