Empty Life?

I think I need to start living again.

What exactly constitutes to call the life that I'm leading - a meaningful one?
How rich I am? How happy I am? How much experience I've garnered all these years?  Or knowledge?

Whatever it is, I don't feel like I have a life. Even if I have, it's routine, empty, lonely and unfulfilling.
I hate whatever rut I'm in right now, I hate the empty house that I come home to every single day, I hate the current (now ex) job for the shitty moods that it puts me under, hate that I now have to go searching for a new job or else resort to begging for money to pay off my monthly insurance, hate that I have such limited social circles & friends, hate that I am still fat (period.), and hate that my thoughts sometimes wander to J.

A once asked me, are u really ok with leaving your 8 years of relationship behind? Are you able to move on?

I hesitated.

And a fog of emotion just envelops me. No, I am actually not ok. I still think of J now and then, which then puts me into a very dreamy state, full of guilt & sadness. I see his FB profile and wonder whether he is doing well. I sometimes start getting paranoid when I am around his area, about what my reaction would be if I happen to bump into him. Would I look dumpy? Would he look down on me? What will I say? What will I feel? Will the guilt show on my face?

This is exactly what happens when you do something that you'll regret after. Indeed, you will definitely move on, given the grace of time, but the shadows of that deed will always remain and linger... forming tendrils of bolts and chains that shackles your feet and reminds you now and then.

But despite all that, despite the shitty situation that I find myself in now, I constantly remind myself of the blessings that I should and need to count, in order to continue living.

I am happy to be breathing and be alive, I am happy that I don't need to pay all the home bills, I am happy that I can now get rid of the shitty job and move on to something better, which obviously pays me better and let me meet new friends and social circles, I am happy that I have a bunch of lovely girlfriends who still tolerate my nonsense and remembers that I exist, I am happy that I didn't get a heart attack despite my fatness and that I'm getting down to losing that weight again, and last of all, I am happy that I have A in my life.

A is neither handsome nor armed with degrees. He does not have a car, or a secret storeroom filled with gold bars. He does not dress immaculately and does not speak perfect English.

But he keeps me happy and humbled by his love. He encourages me to be mindful of certain things I take for granted and he has the same character & temperament as I do. (a high libido helps too:P)

I am still cautious as to whether this can all last, and whether my heart can remain steadfast & loyal, but one thing for sure, I am happy in his arms and I can see myself waking up beside him everyday. I love A for who he is and for accepting who I am despite all my terrible flaws & immaturity. Till now after 8 months, I still feel a little surprised of how comfortable I am in his arms and how we can talk about anything under the sun, even though he is obviously not my type.

I believe things do happen for a reason.

Perhaps it's only after experiencing the feeling of an empty life, will I be able to treasure and know exactly what kind of meaningful life I'm seeking after.

Ending a possible happy ending

I finally got down to telling him.. ending it. calling for the curtains to close. By my hand. Whilst he haven't replied... i guess he will still respect my decision.

Gosh how much I miss him... looking back at what we had, what we could have had and possibly be together. Just the ending messages alone has reduced me now into a blubbering ball of crying simpleton..akin to my heart being broken into two. It hurts so much.. I don't even know whether Im making the right decisions..

I wonder whether I have such strong feelings for A..I do but probably can't compare to an 8 year love..one that I ended two fucking times.

I'm an idiot. Maybe I do deserve to be thrown stones at. Entirely my fault.
Cant stop the damn tears when I think back on the wrong that I've done and sorrow I've brought upon him and to my stupid self.

But the truth is - I've made a decision. May not be the best one, or a right one, but one that I must and need to live with.

Why isn't he replying yet..

Fuck..

In any case.. A loves me a lot and I'm humbled by that.. I should cherish that and change my ways.

maybe i'm just a needy bitch who clamours for attention. can't stop hating myself.

sigh.

sigh.

sigh.

oh heart ah heart..
I'm so clear yet so muddled.
I'm so awake yet mired in darkness.
tantalizing to the senses, yet weighing down hard on my insides.

impossible that one, when having given a taste, wouldn't want or desire for more.
The first whirring of hurt has started its flight. Taken flight and landed. Taken flight and burrowed deep. Can you really walk away when the time is right? Will you really be willing to be used by me?

Who am I? I'm really my own worst enemy.

just smile

have you ever thought of someone or something and just can't help smiling like a stupid idiot?

That's what I'm reduced these days when I think of J..
.
.
.
.
.


hee :)

I'm so happy!! I have no idea how to explain it. Despite the piling workload, I feel happy to have him in my life. Although there is no more calls of sweet goodnights or messages... but just a minimum of one call & one message everyday is enough to make me happy..I don't mind waiting for him after work just to go home together with him. I don't mind driving him here and there, if it just means spending a little more time with him talking and stealing kisses before he goes off. Not very strong-woman-sounding confession amidst a whole lotta publicity on International Women's Day, and I probably sound like a simpering female. Heck. HAHAH. I can be his 'small woman' (- chinese translated) while I go out and conquer the world in the meantime. HOHOHOHOHO *cue victorious laughter*

:)

And furthermore, we are heading to Taiwan end month!!!! Our very first independent overseas trip. The place where we have always wanted to go together ever since we started dating... like frigging 8 years ago. wheeee~~~~~

happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.happy.

haha... crazy me. 

I'm like planning what to wear.
Planning how much to spend.
Planning what I'm spending on.
Planning where to go.

Hope all goes well. 

---

Aside from that.. I feel so fan jian sometimes. I actually do have some self-realization that I do like to have the attention from the opposite sex.. (which girl don't), and have the big ego thing whereby daydreaming whether the guy will like me. But I also came to another conclusion at the same time.. although there may be such daydreams, but reality-wise, I rather stick to my guy. Not easy finding one who loves me just the way I am. No matter how many stretch marks I have on my fat butt, no matter how sloppy I am, no matter how dumb I may be.. he'll love me the same.

And that is faith. Faith that we'll travel the road of life together, smooth or bumpy.

And there is effort. Effort to make our relationship stronger, passion to burn ever brighter. 

 Happiness. I found you. :)

 

I am a two headed snake.

Sometimes.. i think i need some serious slapping.

Why do I keep making the same mistake!!!!!
Yew Stewpid heart.

I know yet I don't know.

I am clear and yet perhaps I choose not to be.

It's a danger zone yet I get so attracted to it and keep accepting the advances. Slowly but surely, it starts growing on me. hell.

I'm like in a rut nowadays.

Being alone and unmotivated to work is bad enough. Having a nagging parent who is not only unsupportive but also keep bringing up how bad my job is is a fucking pain in the neck.

Feel so disconnected with society. How on earth do I go about expanding my social circle??!
Sometimes I just wanna go party to enjoy and just get real high. But I don't think I know any group of frens who do that. And as one's generation gets older, people start settling down, people starts categorizing themselves under the 'I'm too old & too tired to club anymore' section. But that's besides the point.

Maybe that's why I get so dependent on people. And like them so easily. Is it because I crave attention? I crave affection?

I need to break away from this depressing state called me. It's plain pathetic upon reflection.
I need to get busy.

I feel so disgusted with myself sometimes how much I miss J. The more I meet him the more I miss him.

I know the difference yet perhaps I ....

I need to wake the fuck up. That's what. Well, but maybe later.. sigh.

Hype.

I have no idea what the hype is.

Rape & sexual harassment has always been a problem in India. Actually not just in India. SO many other bloody parts of the world...for SO Long. Why are they only starting to focus on this issue like now?

I'm not saying that this shouldn't be the case. Am really glad and grateful for the proliferating organizations protecting women's rights, helping rape victims, and so on, with the greater media spotlight shining on them -- this is a blessing in disguise.

Still, why only now? puzzled by it.

Must we only start moving our butt to protect something only when something horrific happens? And this sort of shit has happened before. Why the sudden hype?

Same with the tragic shooting incident in the US. Only when like more than 10 kids die, then people start sitting up and listen. Start voicing out and standing up for what's right. Pushing hard for laws to ban licensing of firearms.

Like.. isn't it too late?

It's like saying we should kill like 1000 dolphins before people start trying to save them. Or we should wipe out the whole Amazon of trees before people start treasuring greens and make a more active effort to conserve.

In the end, comes down to humans are fucked up creatures. We move only based on our own selfish gains. Only when something horrific happens, which trips our wire of conscience or crosses the boundaries of what we consider humane, would our mouths form an 'Oh NO, we should do something'.

Weird.

Indulging in New Fats

Anyone can tell me where I can find a new body? Lol. fat hopes.

Indeed, I have new hopes for the new year, and none of them have 'fatness' involved. Ok. mayb Fat Bonus, Fat Salary could be one fatness that I can deal with. But Fat Body, kns. I need that changed. Pronto.

I need to get involved in different sort of fats.. those that are healthier.. like fatty dreams, fatty pockets full of cash. Work, I can deal with that. Just a matter of dealing with my procrastination and indecisiveness.

As for body... HOW TOOOOOO. i love eating. One bag of chips, gotta finish them all.

Exercise - no. 1 excuse, I've just exercised. Can eat more. Pui.

But since I have slimmed down before, I believe I can do it again. At that time, I was so damn close to my target when I just gave up and om nom my way all the way back to my fatness. Wtf.

Look at this recent fat me. it's like oh my fucking gosh. I might as well jump down a building in shame.

Camera angles seriously don't mean shit in reality. Because in real life, you Are looking like shit, according to the shittified body ideals set by society. Those who are skinny yet keep whining and saying how much they need to slim down, they need to jump down the building before me. Because they don't relish and treasure what they have.

As for why I haven't jumped down, is because I have other things to be much grateful for. Despite the things I lack, I am grateful for the things that I have. A complete though dysfunctional family. A healthy (for now) though seriously out of shape body. An above average family background that allows me to purchase things I want, give me opportunities that some others might not have even though they want to. A job that allows me to travel & meet people high-up though they deprive me of certain benefits. Even the most basic, like a toilet bowl for me to defaecate in should be a luxury in life that we should be thankful for. Haha.


So for this year, am just gonna concentrate on my job, make the most of my travelling, work on loving J more & more, be more updated on news, make more friends (I wonder how I'm gonna accomplish this), make my money grow by saving or investing, and of course.. be healthier by slimming down. :)

1st goal: 10 kg down by May. I can do this.