Insecurity

I have no idea how to explain this. I'm so afraid for myself right now and my feelings of insecurity. I have no idea why I feel so insecure. I seriously need to get a grip on myself.

I'm feeling really happy these days, relishing having him back in my life. Trying to meet him for meals or whatever time he could have because his schedule is just so uncertain and tight. I know he's making an effort to send me messages/calls as well..

Why the hell am I insecure if I'm happy then?

Because I let him go. Because he had the chance to have thoughts of getting another girl in his life. My possessiveness and absolute jealousy is troubling me. lol. stupid insecure feelings.

I don't even know if I'm making sense. Who am I to judge when I myself have harboured so many times, thoughts of another person in my life. And even did have someone else. -_-

But J does things to me. He transforms me into a simpering female. Because if you can get me to make an effort to do something for you, eg. a card, you truly mean something to me. If not, I'd probably won't give a damn. Even Sandy start saying.. see see see! With Ray you won't do this kind of thing. And when I'm talking on the phone with J, my mum chides, "don't act cute". hahaha wth.

I become an irritating female who can't bear to let him go... who is dependent on her bf and craves for his attention & love. Which, disgusts me sometimes. I feel disgusted with myself. RAWRRRR~ Because I want to be a strong female. Someone independent and confident.

I feel that he has grown a lot stronger. And I need to catch up with that. ;(

One full circle back to You.

:)

Well.. we're kinda not really officially back together.. and this development has been quite sudden.. previous guy is still super sweet.. but I've finally made a decision to end it because it's just not what I was finding and despite trying for around 4 mths plus, I think although he is really sweet and innocent, but maybe I need something else.. Passion is still missing. The connection. To me, love should be easier. At least even in the honeymoon period. I still believe in sparks, in stealing kisses, hugs and the lingering reluctance to let each other go while saying goodbyes. 

And I can't believe that after 7 and a half years together, 6 months apart, me and J are still this way and that much in love with each other when we met up again a few days ago. 

I finally believe that it is really not a habit that my thoughts keep going back to J. The support, maturity and guidance that J can provide me is what I need. As for what I can provide him.. I'm not very sure.. but I just hope that I can be his support and hopefully keep him from spiralling down into depression again. I have so much weaknesses, but his unconditional love and connection with me is so heartwarming.. the kisses just so familiar.. the way i fit into his arms when he holds me.. :) tough to find.. 

I'm not sure whether my heart has finally settled down, but now, it is reveling in absolute happiness. Challenges definitely lie ahead. Him being busy in his work and the times when he disappears again.. but I guess we'll just try to make things work again. :) 

These few days are akin to a dream come true. I'm happy :)