Ending a possible happy ending

I finally got down to telling him.. ending it. calling for the curtains to close. By my hand. Whilst he haven't replied... i guess he will still respect my decision.

Gosh how much I miss him... looking back at what we had, what we could have had and possibly be together. Just the ending messages alone has reduced me now into a blubbering ball of crying simpleton..akin to my heart being broken into two. It hurts so much.. I don't even know whether Im making the right decisions..

I wonder whether I have such strong feelings for A..I do but probably can't compare to an 8 year love..one that I ended two fucking times.

I'm an idiot. Maybe I do deserve to be thrown stones at. Entirely my fault.
Cant stop the damn tears when I think back on the wrong that I've done and sorrow I've brought upon him and to my stupid self.

But the truth is - I've made a decision. May not be the best one, or a right one, but one that I must and need to live with.

Why isn't he replying yet..

Fuck..

In any case.. A loves me a lot and I'm humbled by that.. I should cherish that and change my ways.

maybe i'm just a needy bitch who clamours for attention. can't stop hating myself.