I was looking through the facebook pictures that i've put of myself online.. untagging myself off many fugly photos which i have once thought I actually looked good in.

*THIS IS WHAT SLeepless pple do...*

It is very amazing how change is constant in our lives and how our mindsets of what looks good or not, pretty or not, follows along with age/space/time!





HENCE,

in order to keep things improving as

my age/time/wrinkles/cellulite lines gets longer...

TO ALL THOSE WHO KNOW ME:

Pls tell me to do something about myself when I become visible as....

THIS:

the massive black person at the right hand side.

THIS:

OR even THIS!

OK. maybe i still look like some of those pictures today. SO TELL ME ABOUT IT!

oh well... maybe break the news to me gently.. like how u try to break wind in a shopping mall. i got a fragile heart. HAHAHHA



But actually... oh well... these phases of my life are a part of me. It made me who i am today and should inspire me to be better me(s) in future. Losing weight has been like a life goal for me especially, being one who is quite self-conscious and everything. Every year.. WITHOUT fail, this goal always top the charts of my birthday wish list. AND without fail, it has failed me.

Dunno what slimming pills that u buy from Watsons, Xando, and what's the very 1st before the boom of slimming products? Whatever it was called~.... or slimming treatment (like Mary Chia) or starvation.. or just praying that one day you can slip into a position like the woman in "200 Pounds of Beauty" or God will just one fine day get so fed up with all my repetitive birthday wish year after year that he SLAMS down his merciful hand on me such that my fats diffuse out of my body from the impact.


NO fucking way. Wishes seriously don't come through. I've learnt so far that prayers do work sometimes (either it is really heard by God or through the placebo effect/self-fulfilling prophecy). But indefinitely, things don't come through by mere wishing.

U gotta earn it. As how NCC will probably say..earn ur respect and rank.. *ok that's the past*

It is through perseverance, hard work and of course, with the help of scientific manipulations, DRUGS

(fine. ok. doctor prescribed medicine. Wanted to make myself sound more extreme).

Seriously. I still ate ice cream and drank juice, I still ate sinful stuff now and then, but I really was disciplined (note: WAS), sticked with salad and soupy stuff........ no maggie, no fast food, no buffets, no sweets, no chocolates= STOP SNACKING!

PLUS exercise. (1-2-3 times a week)

12kg in 1-2 months.

Sounds easy? HMPH. With a lifetime of habitual eating and the easy accessibility to any temptation food these days? Tough I tell you.

I fucking fought so hard last year... then school term started.. had valiant efforts to try keeping food intake low.. failed.


snacked and snacked and snacked





snacked and snacked and snacked some more.



WHAM!

The gravity of the situation finally dawned on me last week. Or rather showed on the weighing scale.


I weighed in 6 kg heavier.




bloody fuck.


Somehow, all thanks to the recent food poisoning/gastroenteritis + fever, while I purged like HELL and felt totally like shit..

my weight went down to 3kg. Maybe it's the water mass. But it is helping me keep my appetite small again.



FOR NOW.


Haha. Sian. Hate weight issues. It really can affect your whole life and define who you become. Whatever the case, I'm not OBESE anymore. Just Overweight. -_- ''|

So jiayou everyone in the world. !!!!!

Cherish what you have. Thin pple like Shaowen and Bee Chun.. PLEASE STOP SAYING YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. WEIGHT is really a problem for some people around the world who is just like me. Weight can get us depressed and stop us from getting out of the house even after changing like 15 times. I've been there and done that. Dropped into depression and popped out again.

As for... pple who Don't APPRECIATE their loved ones coz think they are too FAT....


-_-


approach me to tell you what I think of those kind of people if u can handle it.


As for the people who still find it hard sometimes to face up to this harsh fat reality, remember:

FACE DOWN and CAMERA Tilt Downwards.

Confirm Solve.

For that moment.

hmm.. wonder whether blogging is successful in making me sleepy.. somewhat. perhaps I slept too much during my sick period. My body is tired but my mind keeps whirling around and thinking of weird horror stuff (no idea came from where). I even had heart palpitations. wtf.

Anyways...

today I went for the 1st time to COLOR and do TREATMENT for my 'very long hair', under the category of how most salons would place my hair under.. for below a HUNDRED BUCKS. usually it ranges up to 250. SERIOUS. U have no idea how much that can eat up into my allowance. I have 400 a month, 50 transport, 50 Taiwan, 100 Own savings, and I am left with 200 to survive A MONTH.

I tell u nowadays. People go out with 200 bucks, in JUST one day, go shopping and eat/entertainment, easily can just vanish. No Joke.

I should count myself lucky actually, seeing how some pple get less than a dollar everyday. Which I am. really. Count ur blessings elaine!


yupxyupx.

EH i was talking about Hair.. okok.. anyway.. yah its less than 100 bucks plus FREE trim oK! Dunch play play. haha. The girl used curling tongs to just 'style' the hair before u leave the place those kind.. and when I looked into the mirror I got a shock. I thought I looked FU**ING UGLY. I was like OMG. no not just omg.

a BIG O.M.F.G.

I looked like I donned some fake lawyer wig those kind?




Ok lah.. not so kuazhang. Lolx. BUT THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE HEAD WAS LIKE THAT.

SERIOUSLY. I SWEAR.

I even took a cab home after that for fear of meeting people on the MRT. I am dead serious.

Thank goodness it was temp.


So The curls slackened a bit after that...



PS: This is after MUCH combing through and pulling my hair downwards in a bid to straighten

PSS: YES. I NOE. I am aiming the camera downwards again. CANNOT AH. I WANNA DREAM THIN. CANNOT AH. HABITUAL LAH. tsk~*



I went out again to meet baby and today was really nausea-sweet. Not nauseatingly sweet. Rather I felt REALLY nauseous due to lingering sickness and hard braking from stupid bus. And sweet when baby sent me home ... :)

Why do I hate reading newspapers even though I will feel so much more informed and a step closer to understanding issues that are so pertinent to me living my everyday life?

Simple.

They are just so depressing.

Every day, newspapers just spring up bolded headlines which shout **** DEAD/ *** Tensions Rise/ *** Global warming/ Accident/Murder/etc. Whatever conflicting issue you can think of. It's there. That's what newsworthy probably meant to everyone, an established consensus in our society.

Really sad. Personally I am already so depressed with my own matters, and you want to get me down-ridden with depressing world matters? Terrific, really. I can't think of a better life to lead and survive in.

Sometimes I feel so lost, so aimless.

5 modules to do this semester= 5 BIG projects, 5 BIG presentations, 4 Leading Discussions (aka presentations), 4 Smaller assignments and of course attending every class and participating every single day from Monday till Friday. GREAT. What a semester to go through before I can even graduate.

Talking about GRADUATION, another morass of emotions just hits me. My resume totally sucks, of which reminds me I have nothing to add to it since like... forever? Job Hunting and applying for Sporean citizenship probably will start in March for me. What do I like? What industry am I interested in? I kinda know what stuff I like to do. But I have such limited work experience, do I really know what particular aspects I like?

Family. *snorts*. No comments. Don't even feel like talking about it.

...


Let's just say, everyone is living in denial, engaging in habitual activities and constantly being enveloped with tension. I've been feeding A with devilish suggestions, but A just KEEPS hanging on. Love.. seriously.. is it sometimes better to cling onto it or just give up and move on thereafter? I believe in the latter if it makes everyone happy. My heart just wrenches for A. In the worst situation, I have already made my choice. I will be there for you forever till the day u die. Despite all the crap you may give me, I love you so much, so very much. Precious and irreplaceable. I will care for you and try my best to accommodate you. I will never abandon you behind and will share my stuff with you, no matter how rich/poor I am in future. You're the reason why I exist. .. .. .. sigh. But what am I doing now exactly. By not solving the issue, I am not only carving deeper scars in my heart, but causing you pain. By solving it, the pain will worsen and God knows what might happen. I'm so terrified. Is this really the way to live my life? What about the peace and happiness that I should have access to? What about the sense of fulfillment that I should attain in my life?

Baby, you're the biggest light in my life. You're my anchor, my motivation to push on. The future you've envisioned for us sounds so promising, and so tempting. Right now, I still harbour hesitation and doubt as to how that future can sustain to really lead to that happily ever after. With all those going on in my life right now, its really laughable and scary.

Promises never last, and neither do love. 5 years passing and 5 more to go, I can't say for sure what will happen. But despite all, you still cling onto my hand so tightly, And I can't help but be selfish and cling onto you as well. You're always by my side, which I am so thankful for. *hugs* let's strive together and make it through.. all these obstacles we're facing in our lives.

Year 2010 is a great year of change and upheaval for me. Being a person who's not a fan of change, it can prove to be quite a challenge. Be brave Elaine. Let's get going.

ignorant bastard. selfish shit.

whenever i make any wishes, or pleas to any god, all of those can easily bring tears to my eyes.

Why allow hurt to persist? Why do you drag things when you already lost all your hope and dreams, including happiness for the rest of your life? Why are men so foolish? So stupid. So very stupid and dumb. Just sticking with habits, attaching tightly to somethings that is not there anymore.

When i watch movies, things that happen between the parents always cause children to turn out just the way they are. Scared and afraid to commit the same mistakes or just simply become as warped as the parents themselves.

Think serial killers or perverted offenders. Think of people who are afraid to commit for fear of marriages that they had seen fall apart so miserably through their very own young naive eyes.

I have no idea whether the fault lies in the parents or just simply a matter of fate.