jealousy

Today's ensemble.

Why be jealous? Why am I jealous?

There are tons of things in life to be jealous about.
Money, body, lifestyle, character, luck, love... so many things that we want to be, so many things that we lust after, so much of someone else we wanna be.

But perhaps one of mine includes family.

How can other people's family be so seemingly (i'm sure it is) warm and friendly and close to each other? Being far away from relatives is already bad enough. Mine is also haunted with a large crack mended with UHU glue.. still fragile despite a long period of time.

Perhaps we're not close enough because I don't make the effort. No one makes an effort anyway.
Perhaps we're loving but we just don't show it in the way that others do. Expression of love comes in many form and ways.

It's just a bit saddening and a sense of disconnectedness. Throw in a large bout of dependance because of stark loneliness. That's the chemistry that I face when I go home.

When S mentions 'the house is like a hotel' - I get damn mad. It's somewhat true but it's My house, my home.

So anyway, jealousy. This is what happens when one migrate. This is what happens when one cheats and destroys a family. These are the ramifications brought about by many different factors.

So what if you have money, body, trendy lifestyle... Without family warmth, you're still one lonely soul in the world. Unless you're counting bf/husband into the mix. But it's still kinda different. Nothing is the same as your blood family.

My jealousy is probably gonna last a long time. But it reminds me of the ramifications and I def wun put my (if future kid) through this shit.