It has been a rather eventful day... getting through two friggin individual presentations, which thankfully is quite slack, coz can read off notes when presenting..if not i tell u.. memorise like shit. When I say shit, its really quite jialat. Imagine a reading that is 70 plus pages, and you gotta read it off google books and summarise the damn thing into ppt slides to present to the class. And I just realised it the night before, coz I couldn't get the darn book frm the library and the lecturer didn't provide the reading for the class. like wth!? 0_0

Well, its OVER. :) 3 more essays, one poster, 4 presentations and 2 big project write-ups more. HOW COME IT's NOT DECREASING??!?!!! But really, time flies. In a blink of an eye, I'm already at Week 10 of my school term! The pressure of having to find a job/internship is pressing on me already so seriously gotta think of it real soon...

One more month to graduation! And gotta rent my gown soon for the commencement on 12 July. I definitely better not da bao. If not kill myself sia.

Today was eventful not soley because I finished two dreaded presentations, but mostly I met a really nice Christian today:) Perhaps its really a friend-based sort of preaching so its kinda more credible and not so weird, (of course I still have my reservations and cynicism), but I can kinda tell he really believes what he says and he says it so... how do i put it, so naturally! I also think its because he has gone through much hardships before and because miracles happened to him, hence he totally put his faith in God...

How does one have faith in God? Just believing? There are so many questions that one try to logically ask and reflect upon. I am feeling so hurt when I think of my matter, but is it really that bad? Should I talk about it after graduation? I probably will, coz I have not much stuff to do and will naturally dwell on it.

I think once I secure a job, I will sit down and talk with him. I dun care how things trashes out. If living my life means having to get through this obstacle and pain, in order to achieve peace within oneself and just getting through without a guilty conscience, I will do so at all expense. I can forsee so much difficulties and tears, but surely it must be the right way. If there is a God, which I already believe that there is, do help me along this arduous journey, for I really can't do it alone.

My friend said you can control your destiny, but fate is already planned out for you. I dun care what fate has in store for me then, for if destiny is the only variable that I have control over, then I should just go with what I feel best and see what lies ahead...rather than regretting ever doing it ever right? And just get myself mired in more pain.

April: SHIT month
May: Go Malaysia with Cherryn and Aida (and whoever wants)..I want Redang and KL!
Apply intensively for job if can't get one by then.
June: Start job/internship
July: Convocation
Revelation of things

Hmm.. when should I apply for Singapore citizenship? AHahha~

I suddenly found Kelly Clarkson's Because of You very relevant and truthful
to what I am facing..



I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I will never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Stupid woman.

True, I have no right to say that of jack neo's wife, because I am not in her shoes. I am not in her spotlight, being scrutinized by millions and in front of so many flashing cameras. I am not her, having to think of her family, the humiliation she have to face from now on, her children who are implicated in this shitty mess.

ALL BECAUSE OF THE MAN.

fuck balls.

if I were her.. what would I do. Seriously, I should think about it. I can't blame her for trying to save everything. But...do u think she can ever trust him ever again? I can't. I won't. You might say you try, but the countless nights he may stay outside of home, will surely incite thoughts that make you whirl and send you hurling through the process of depression and suspicion.

No way man. A woman will never forgive. A dumb one will. but a woman of this century, this generation, MY generation. Hard to say.

This stupid guy from my batch says I am a doormat. True in some sense. But in this respect, I won't fucking give him a chance. If I dun have the financial means, I will work hard for it to raise whatever kids there may be.

Adultery is one of the most vile things in life. As how one of my friend put it, "cut off his dick and put salt on his wounds"

BEST.

its the last sem.

Not very fulfilling so far and its already week 8. Oh Ma god.

Deadlines gushing in. Soon to be caught within the flurry of activities.

these few days have been depressing for me, thinking of the same ole issues that make me feel very angry, sad, depressed and useless.

Was just staring out of the window on the bus 151 today, feeling real lousy and low..

miss my baby so much. he has to work the night shift almost every single day, which kinda sucks. When I wake up, he is already asleep. when i sleep, he is busy and i know my baby hates his working hours as well..and i can't do nothing about it. Feel so bad to meet my baby also coz it wld mean cutting down on his sleep time (afternoon) and if night time, i cant stay out late coz got lots of things to do. :( even if meet, also rushed.

Despite all these shittiness i feel, I still have to go on. I still got the same homework to finish, I still got the problems weighing down on me, I still got to pass the day, wake up reluctantly and climb back slowly onto the bed again at night.

How do people go on really. So many other people in the world have worse problems than I have, yet they can be so strong, so brave to keep pressing on. For whom do they live and persist? Loved ones most of the time, I suppose. what if they're alone?

Then most people will advise, Live for Yourself.

who is yourself? Why push so hard for the hope for a better tomorrow? when perhaps that may never come, the situation may not allow u. EVER. then everyone will say.. at least u tried.

will i want to die trying to be happy? or happy to be just dead. then i wun be happy no more. no feelings. no concepts. no inkling of anything and everything.

Peace is probably the best thing to achieve in this life then. Not happiness. Peace within oneself, peace between u and others. just being self-satisfied and having just enough.

But mere peace is never considered to be enough. Attaining just enough, is also never a peaceful process.

What contradiction life is.. really.