Insecurity

I have no idea how to explain this. I'm so afraid for myself right now and my feelings of insecurity. I have no idea why I feel so insecure. I seriously need to get a grip on myself.

I'm feeling really happy these days, relishing having him back in my life. Trying to meet him for meals or whatever time he could have because his schedule is just so uncertain and tight. I know he's making an effort to send me messages/calls as well..

Why the hell am I insecure if I'm happy then?

Because I let him go. Because he had the chance to have thoughts of getting another girl in his life. My possessiveness and absolute jealousy is troubling me. lol. stupid insecure feelings.

I don't even know if I'm making sense. Who am I to judge when I myself have harboured so many times, thoughts of another person in my life. And even did have someone else. -_-

But J does things to me. He transforms me into a simpering female. Because if you can get me to make an effort to do something for you, eg. a card, you truly mean something to me. If not, I'd probably won't give a damn. Even Sandy start saying.. see see see! With Ray you won't do this kind of thing. And when I'm talking on the phone with J, my mum chides, "don't act cute". hahaha wth.

I become an irritating female who can't bear to let him go... who is dependent on her bf and craves for his attention & love. Which, disgusts me sometimes. I feel disgusted with myself. RAWRRRR~ Because I want to be a strong female. Someone independent and confident.

I feel that he has grown a lot stronger. And I need to catch up with that. ;(