insecure

why o why.

Wikipedia told me: 'A person who is insecure lacks confidence in their own value, and one or more of their capabilities, lacks trust in themselves or others, or has fears that a present positive state is temporary, and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in the future.'

I think I'm going through this frigging phase right now in my r/s.

Is this normal? Is it because I let him go once that I feel scared of losing him? That the present positive glow will be gone? I am scared.

Scared of facing his family again. Will their thoughts of me be: this is the girl who hurt my son/brother.. T_T

Scared of losing him to other girls.

Scared that maybe he had already 'seen' the outside world and maybe he's just back with me because of familiarity?? arghhhhhhhh!!!! *getting psychotic and paranoid*

Maybe part of the insecurity is because he isn't announcing with a loudhailer to the world that I'm his again, or that he has a girlfriend. His sisters dunno that we're back together. I feel small and down. I don't want to force this sort of weird feelings of mine or ideas on him. This should be something automatic.. something that you would like to do.

I mean.. I would most definitely like to shout out in facebook (for example), HE'S MINE YOU MUTHERFUCKERS! ALL GIRLS ON HIS FB if you have interest in him, BUG THE F OFF.~ (this is just an extreme saying). But I can't because I have to think of the feelings of the kind ex bf. -_-

I feel like telling him delete all those stupid girl photos on ur phone. the ONLY sexy girl photos on your god damn phone shld be mine. WTF.

Sigh. Maybe I should be more bighearted. I should be more understanding. I should be a lot of things. But I'm not. This jealous & insecure state has always been a part of me. I realise that I am willing to swallow down a lot of these for him. Willing to run to him, to be where he is. But do I like this person? I have no idea...

Take Caution.

Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you

Time to take caution.

Y is it so hard to have a good guy friend. I do believe it is quite impossible, unless he's gay. I think that's my conclusion in life already.

Or maybe it's just my problem. When I like someone (as a friend), I become sweet to him, talk to him more, teh a bit (like all girls do right??), and then poof! He likes me -_-

Do I give out mixed signals? I feel those signals from the good friend and then my mind starts wandering around.. romantically. ARGH!!

Bad itch.

I need to take caution. I don't wanna fall into the same trap and end up in the same rut with J again. Just seeing J having SGgirls sexy photos on his phone makes me see red & green... uber Christmas colours but no festive celebration involved. Maybe fireworks, but those that can kill.. :(

Well, he says those are what he do to make fun with his guy colleagues, 'xchanging' sexy girl photos. Major WTFFFFF. 

But I will REN! I have faith in him.

And similarly, if he knows I'm going out with other guys who have romantic intentions, I'm sure he'll see red too... (I hope).

Finally told friend that I'm back with J.. he's disappointed but oh well.. *pat on my own back* that I have the courage to know what I want and not encourage further romantic feelings. KUDOS TO ME!!! :D

Guess that's all...for now:)
Love my baby.

he looks like old pervert here. lol~

jealousy

Today's ensemble.

Why be jealous? Why am I jealous?

There are tons of things in life to be jealous about.
Money, body, lifestyle, character, luck, love... so many things that we want to be, so many things that we lust after, so much of someone else we wanna be.

But perhaps one of mine includes family.

How can other people's family be so seemingly (i'm sure it is) warm and friendly and close to each other? Being far away from relatives is already bad enough. Mine is also haunted with a large crack mended with UHU glue.. still fragile despite a long period of time.

Perhaps we're not close enough because I don't make the effort. No one makes an effort anyway.
Perhaps we're loving but we just don't show it in the way that others do. Expression of love comes in many form and ways.

It's just a bit saddening and a sense of disconnectedness. Throw in a large bout of dependance because of stark loneliness. That's the chemistry that I face when I go home.

When S mentions 'the house is like a hotel' - I get damn mad. It's somewhat true but it's My house, my home.

So anyway, jealousy. This is what happens when one migrate. This is what happens when one cheats and destroys a family. These are the ramifications brought about by many different factors.

So what if you have money, body, trendy lifestyle... Without family warmth, you're still one lonely soul in the world. Unless you're counting bf/husband into the mix. But it's still kinda different. Nothing is the same as your blood family.

My jealousy is probably gonna last a long time. But it reminds me of the ramifications and I def wun put my (if future kid) through this shit.

just feel like talking

Hmm... this is getting addictive again. blogging.

Maybe it's because I'm so damn lonely. No relatives, lacking social circles, no colleagues, have sibling but also like no sibling.
Maybe it's because I wanna do something else besides working.

Hell I still have to finish writing a white paper after this. And plan for the media comms for the white paper. Wait, I hven't even talked about the website. and sales & marketing. and my global calendar for meetings in 2013. OMGGGGGAWDDDD. I'm like everything. I should hire an intern and get help.

Anyway.. I'm looking forward to head to Shanghai & Guangzhou. HEHE. well my main aims is basically shopping, eating smelly tofu, xiao long bao, and more shopping. But pretty excited as well because my dad bought me an Sony RX100 camera. It's pretty good and I can't wait to test it out:) But just wondering what am I gonna do to my LX3. I've manhandled it. Cap is lost, the top is like dented and there is a huge scratch on the screen.

But I love it to bits. Why? Coz it's a present from Jason :) <3 p="p">Till now, I've kept the first photo that I've taken with this camera on the camera - a picture of him :D

heeeee~

*slaps myself* get a grip elaine.

Ok going back to the topic of shopping in Guangzhou.. haha I'm so looking forward to looking at the fake goods. wahahhaha~ My aim is as below:

CELINE LUGGAGE TOTE!!!

hahaa.. hmm actually this is kinda the only thing that I wanna get. No other items attract me. Ok maybe a new beats earphones. hahaha But the previous time I bought (not cheap also ok), it kinda spoiled very soon.. sucky.

Hmm maybe a YSL if it's real enough looking

HUR HUR.

Yes yes. I'm guilty of being a brand slut.

okok. Better get back to doing work stuff. Miss him ~~

I sent him a msg today:

"Dear Bear, I would like to inform you that you are under Ms. Fish's most wanted criminal. You are found guilty of theft and molestation since 20/9/2004. Accused of having stolen her heart and touching her soul (and body), you have been sentenced to a lifetime of everlasting love. Do you plead guilty?"

and he replied:

"I plead... not guilty! *so I can get a harsher sentence*" (LOL)
"I shall defend myself. I do not accept the charges. I was a willing party. I wanted to give my heart and soul and body willingly. If that is a crime, sentence me till I breathe no more."

HOW to not melt into nothingness again. kns.


ok. I think we're sort of into our second honeymoon period. For me, at least. :D

He's just so darn cute. dammit. :P

Blossoming is not a good thing when it's sidewards

DAMMIT!!!

why do I keep blossoming. And look at those pimples + wrinkles. Fucking hell!!
I'm not being vain here.

Just recently very irritated with myself. Can't stop eating. Face not getting good. wrinkles multiplying like there's no tomorrow. Dear face, I know you wanna be a signboard educating every pair of eyes that this bui person here is getting old. but can u please slow down!!!!


Maybe I need to get started on SKII or something.

Maybe what they say is true. After 25, the years go past in a blink of an eye. Knowing it does not make things better. Or maybe I COULD make it better by living it to the fullest. But days are going by too damn fast. I'm 25. Soon I'll be 3freaking0 years old.

I'm freaking about my job. What if I wanna change jobs when I'm 30. Am I able to keep up with the times? Or even get a relevant job as compared to a fresh grad?

I'm Freaking about money. Am I saving enough? with such a lifestyle that we're lusting after nowadays, buying clothes, shoes, make up, numbers on my bankbook are never increasing.

I'm freaking about marriage. Yes. I wanna get married and wake up every single day hugging Jason and being sexually satisfied. (:P) but..,ahhhhhhh!!!!


ok fuck this. enough said. I'm heading to the gym.

Welcoming the month of celebrations

Great. December's here. The month of feasting on turkey, ham, cakes, cakes and more cakes.

But this month has started off very irritable. Number one, I don't particularly appreciate when someone keeps telling you that you should do this, you should do that, when that person does not even take any responsibility or has any power over how I should do things. This is not your 'belonging' and you have not displayed any so called care besides ooo-ing and aaaa-ing, so seriously, am truly pissed when you start criticizing how I take care or nagging me to do certain things in a particular way. Definitely not fucking cool and fucking getting on my nerves.

Anyway, my temper is quite mild, so if I'm trying to keep it under control, means it really is..

oh well.

anyway am busy chasing my happiness with J while trying to contend with my laziness at work. LOL. Can't get motivated. But am happyyyy~~~

In the past, when I ask J, "what if I tell you one day that I'm pregnant?"
J answers, "hmm don't think we're ready (which I really am not), well I have ways and I will definitely go through it (abortion) with you."

Ok. the above sounds really callous but basically I will ask whether he will go hospital with me and he says of course. Because I find babies a nuisance and a big burden on work, life and financially. If one CANNOT bring up a new life properly into this competitive world, then DON'T. Don't ruin someone's life and create traumatic experiences.

anyway, so after we got back together and recently I asked J again,
"what if I tell you one day that I'm preggy?"

J answers, "hmm I'll marry you."

!!!!!!!!
*shocked me*, who then subsequently dissolves into a melting pot of happiness & shyness.

hahahaha. :) Happy.

Insecurity

I have no idea how to explain this. I'm so afraid for myself right now and my feelings of insecurity. I have no idea why I feel so insecure. I seriously need to get a grip on myself.

I'm feeling really happy these days, relishing having him back in my life. Trying to meet him for meals or whatever time he could have because his schedule is just so uncertain and tight. I know he's making an effort to send me messages/calls as well..

Why the hell am I insecure if I'm happy then?

Because I let him go. Because he had the chance to have thoughts of getting another girl in his life. My possessiveness and absolute jealousy is troubling me. lol. stupid insecure feelings.

I don't even know if I'm making sense. Who am I to judge when I myself have harboured so many times, thoughts of another person in my life. And even did have someone else. -_-

But J does things to me. He transforms me into a simpering female. Because if you can get me to make an effort to do something for you, eg. a card, you truly mean something to me. If not, I'd probably won't give a damn. Even Sandy start saying.. see see see! With Ray you won't do this kind of thing. And when I'm talking on the phone with J, my mum chides, "don't act cute". hahaha wth.

I become an irritating female who can't bear to let him go... who is dependent on her bf and craves for his attention & love. Which, disgusts me sometimes. I feel disgusted with myself. RAWRRRR~ Because I want to be a strong female. Someone independent and confident.

I feel that he has grown a lot stronger. And I need to catch up with that. ;(

One full circle back to You.

:)

Well.. we're kinda not really officially back together.. and this development has been quite sudden.. previous guy is still super sweet.. but I've finally made a decision to end it because it's just not what I was finding and despite trying for around 4 mths plus, I think although he is really sweet and innocent, but maybe I need something else.. Passion is still missing. The connection. To me, love should be easier. At least even in the honeymoon period. I still believe in sparks, in stealing kisses, hugs and the lingering reluctance to let each other go while saying goodbyes. 

And I can't believe that after 7 and a half years together, 6 months apart, me and J are still this way and that much in love with each other when we met up again a few days ago. 

I finally believe that it is really not a habit that my thoughts keep going back to J. The support, maturity and guidance that J can provide me is what I need. As for what I can provide him.. I'm not very sure.. but I just hope that I can be his support and hopefully keep him from spiralling down into depression again. I have so much weaknesses, but his unconditional love and connection with me is so heartwarming.. the kisses just so familiar.. the way i fit into his arms when he holds me.. :) tough to find.. 

I'm not sure whether my heart has finally settled down, but now, it is reveling in absolute happiness. Challenges definitely lie ahead. Him being busy in his work and the times when he disappears again.. but I guess we'll just try to make things work again. :) 

These few days are akin to a dream come true. I'm happy :)

Define happy. Definitely not now.

Hi long time friend (aka blog),

Missed me yet? haha. Just so bored that I've decided to come talk to you.

Just reading my past post 3-4 months ago, makes me wanna snort indulgently. All those talk about being a better person and happier. bullshit.

For the record, not really happier, not even better, still plump and growing fatter. wtf.

Define happy. definitely not really now. Sweet moments, but unsatisfied. Suffering from something that Scorpios need - passion. KNSMF! RAWR! I am making efforts to improve whatever I'm in, but on a deeper level.. I know that he doesn't know me well enough and I just don't have that inclination to share my thoughts because I feel that perhaps he won't understand it. Example sexual puns. WHO ELSE can understand that and catch it as fast as.. sigh. enough said.

He hass no want to own. There is no desire for more. I don't need a companion. I need a lover, a best friend and a partner for my own. ARGH! *mutter to myself* don't look back don't look back.

So many times I just wanna run back. countless. every single fucking day. tmd. I'm so ashamed of myself. ashamed of this heart that just betrays me. Especially when slow love ballads come on. stupid thoughts turn to regret and longing. UGH! stupid me. I even thought of my speech. but maybe he's having it better now. Perhaps he got to know a better girl other than me. Well guys move on faster. not like stupid girls like me.

Argh whatever. October is a month of revelation. Will make my decision by end year. 

As for work, Poland's up in October. Not really moving that smoothly and I'm supposed to be in charge. I'm just looking forward to go there to tour the place and see Prague at the same time.

T_T money money please somehow fly into my bank account. wtf.

Weight-wise - am going to do something about it. watch me. I'm gonna go full steam ahead in preparation for BC's wedding. RAWR! I can't be a fat emcee for a wedding lunch. target: 16 to cut. I can do it.

Cheerios. hate this word. seemingly indifferent and distant. Perhaps for the better. But definitely had my heart cursing. fml.

Yet again, have neglected this space of words.

I guess I will make it a point to update more often.. given the nature of my current job and also because I have more time to kill now that I'm single. Need to voice out more.. especially through words before my language skills start to rust and I go crazy.


Job-wise:

I am into 4 months plus into my new job... where my responsibilities include conference planning, PR and marketing. Pros of the job - flexi hours, able to travel around the world, great potential to meet government and business leaders across a wide range of industries, excitement and lots to learn. Probably can make me more streetwise. Cons of the job - flexi hours, loneliness, independence, self-motivated work. Besides me, my 'company' is just the VP and then the Chairman. That's it. Hence, when I'm down and low, when I need to bitch, when I need motivation, when I need to just gossip, there are just four walls. Maybe I should start thinking of adopting netball like Tom Hanks as a companion and draw a hunky daopok on it.  -_-

But when there is work to do, it becomes so busy that I feel so alive and adrenaline is always pumping in my veins. I feel very accomplished when the work is finally done. And the best thing of the whole thing - the accomplishment is achieved overseas and ends with a great holiday at the country where I'm at. ;)

So far, I've been to Jakarta and Sydney. Phase 2 is in the planning stages and what's on the drawing board is China, India, Africa (Zambia or South Africa), Middle East (Oman), Europe (Portugal, or Serbia or Switzerland), and Malaysia i think. haha~ So many cultures to be exposed to.. something which not many jobs can offer me.

Guess this is life's rule of thumb - nothing can be perfect. There is always the good and bad for every single thing. Eg. traveling is so awesome and enriching, but expect lesser zeroes in your saving account/ blogging is such a great way to spew out your thoughts within and share with friends, but expect forever storage in google's database and infringing of privacy..Give and take.. depends how much you can tolerate the bad and make the best out of the good portions:) and with that.. comes my next category: Love.


Love-wise:

I'm a mess these past few months. Met some really great people, met some really horrible and shitified human beings. I have made a decision to move on from a very precious 7 year relationship due to not being able to tolerate the bad and my heart's infidelity. I have grown just a little bit stronger from this period of time.. and steadfast in my decision making.. and also grown weaker with the loss of a precious love. So many memories, so many promises made and a future that we have envisioned together. I've decided to give that all up. Stupid me? Yes. without a doubt because I still love him. But I believe this will help me gain more knowledge as to what I really want out of my life, what kind of partner I want in future and be less dependent on love.

Greatest advice I've gotten out of this whole episode - 'There is more to life than just BGR.'

So fucking true. Don't be so desperate to be attached. Yes, I definitely want someone to be by my side when I'm low, to share when I'm happy, to run into someone's arms when I need a hug. But there is much more to life than all these.

My aim now: to fulfill my own goals, establish a more stable career and meet more people.. because there is indeed a bigger world out there.

Many people at my age of 25 in Singapore probably are living a life of :

• Get married to my boyfriend
• Get a flat
• Rise up the corporate ladder

Guess that's the norm. Even my grandma wants to pray for me to get more Tao HUA (love luck). OH please. I have enough this half a year. I'm a bit scared and numb already. Although I currently kinda like someone who likes me in return..but there is no desire at all from my side to be attached (at least for now), and I'm sincerely glad.

I'm sure there's more than life than the above three points. We are often so stuck inside our own day-to-day things and routine and work responsibilities that I wonder.. is that it? I want to know more, I want to get out. I want more more more. But it is oh so easy to just fall back into the routine and get lazy. How do you become someone who matters? How do you become SOMEONE even? with A life worth living?

I need to get my thinking straight and be a better person. I need to cultivate that hunger to learn. Hope it isn't too late to do so. :):)