Empty Life?

I think I need to start living again.

What exactly constitutes to call the life that I'm leading - a meaningful one?
How rich I am? How happy I am? How much experience I've garnered all these years?  Or knowledge?

Whatever it is, I don't feel like I have a life. Even if I have, it's routine, empty, lonely and unfulfilling.
I hate whatever rut I'm in right now, I hate the empty house that I come home to every single day, I hate the current (now ex) job for the shitty moods that it puts me under, hate that I now have to go searching for a new job or else resort to begging for money to pay off my monthly insurance, hate that I have such limited social circles & friends, hate that I am still fat (period.), and hate that my thoughts sometimes wander to J.

A once asked me, are u really ok with leaving your 8 years of relationship behind? Are you able to move on?

I hesitated.

And a fog of emotion just envelops me. No, I am actually not ok. I still think of J now and then, which then puts me into a very dreamy state, full of guilt & sadness. I see his FB profile and wonder whether he is doing well. I sometimes start getting paranoid when I am around his area, about what my reaction would be if I happen to bump into him. Would I look dumpy? Would he look down on me? What will I say? What will I feel? Will the guilt show on my face?

This is exactly what happens when you do something that you'll regret after. Indeed, you will definitely move on, given the grace of time, but the shadows of that deed will always remain and linger... forming tendrils of bolts and chains that shackles your feet and reminds you now and then.

But despite all that, despite the shitty situation that I find myself in now, I constantly remind myself of the blessings that I should and need to count, in order to continue living.

I am happy to be breathing and be alive, I am happy that I don't need to pay all the home bills, I am happy that I can now get rid of the shitty job and move on to something better, which obviously pays me better and let me meet new friends and social circles, I am happy that I have a bunch of lovely girlfriends who still tolerate my nonsense and remembers that I exist, I am happy that I didn't get a heart attack despite my fatness and that I'm getting down to losing that weight again, and last of all, I am happy that I have A in my life.

A is neither handsome nor armed with degrees. He does not have a car, or a secret storeroom filled with gold bars. He does not dress immaculately and does not speak perfect English.

But he keeps me happy and humbled by his love. He encourages me to be mindful of certain things I take for granted and he has the same character & temperament as I do. (a high libido helps too:P)

I am still cautious as to whether this can all last, and whether my heart can remain steadfast & loyal, but one thing for sure, I am happy in his arms and I can see myself waking up beside him everyday. I love A for who he is and for accepting who I am despite all my terrible flaws & immaturity. Till now after 8 months, I still feel a little surprised of how comfortable I am in his arms and how we can talk about anything under the sun, even though he is obviously not my type.

I believe things do happen for a reason.

Perhaps it's only after experiencing the feeling of an empty life, will I be able to treasure and know exactly what kind of meaningful life I'm seeking after.