Eh what the hell. How come blogspot does not even give me an option to subject one of my posts to secrecy and password protection? aRGH.

I seem fine these days. Finer to the point I can actually endure the presence of A. Betrayed to the point and confused with all the thin lines in between, I just choose to push it all to the backs of my mind. This gives me a 'piece of mind' among the mockery of a life I am living in. I ask myself, is it right to just suck it all in as B asked me to? Looking at C whom I treasure the most, suffering in silence, one that is probably inherited generation to generation, breaks my heart into pieces. Wanting more, expecting more in blind hope, receiving nothing in return. Why do all those things for A? What for? Appreciated? NO. Just plain selfishness reciprocated. When I ironed clothes today.. thinking of what fucking shit A may be doing within that time (DISGUSTING), while C slog like shit, instilled an indescribable hatred in me. Almost wanted to burn a hole in the shirt. Taking everything for granted. Thinking of oneself. Oblivious to everything happening around. Shuffling around amidst the background of tears and bleeding hearts. wtf.

What am I living for when it is filled with lies, backstabbing, betrayal and sadness. I feel like I'm betraying C. I feel so angry for C. I feel so indignant and really irritated with the maelstrom of emotions swirling in me.

I rather stay away than get near. I want to get away from all these.. seek the life that I want. But C is the only thing holding me back. I want to embrace C and protect C from whatever that may happen. I can bear with anything. Already had a taste of certain shit, but I believe I can handle it. As long as C is happy. Really. Hate. Hate. Hate. In this dark dark night, hate fills me. Mired in sadness, eyes glazed with anger. Hate. childish word. Not even strong enough to put it into a single semiotic representation that is again a construction for us to make sense of reality. Constructed. LIES. Reality is a LIE. I am a LIE. Hate all these. What's the point. To suffer? To suffer and then overcome? What is the fucking point man. What is the fucking big problem for that who created organisms, atoms, energy, whatever that made everything seem to come into being.? SO what. SO WHAT if we overcome. We fucking die one day. What happens next? I hope its oblivion and sleep. I hope I will now everything then. I AM SERIOUSLY gonna ask whoever or find out why all these came about and for what purpose and reason. Are u seriously bored or something? Hate. Hate all these questions.

Busy weeks to come. Rather strap work to myself to keep mind off things. what is work anyway. work work work to get money. money things money things money things. things= happy? happy= so what? Then? just chemically induced shit present in ur body to give u some high. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF ALL THESE???? fuck them all. hate them all.