Feel really good when i ran today.. Thank y0ou SOO much Huili=) u are going to my bestie girl!!

lolx going to see u everyday. Without your encouragement and suggestions that we run

everyday, this goal of attaining a slimmer self will never ever get so close to me..10 rounds

everyday with toning exercises.. babe. we will be the bomb soon!! hohoho~

My Fat Chonicles

Being fat has always been bane in my life. That is my ultimate goal in life ever since Primary 3.

Well, maybe not ultimate, but something distant and always nagging at the back of my mind, and

from my mother's mouth.


Always, people spout.. Oh beauty is from within, if u feel beautiful, no one can stop u. U will

become naturally beautiful. Ole cynical me despise such sayings. I myself have never believed in

such motivational things. What would definitely motivate one will be that disgusting body fats

slipping away and disappearing from ur life. Oh wait, just a warning: this POST may bore you

with my fat griping of my life, and my negativity. Actually this is not the goal of this post.


Instead, this aids me in a way where I get to release those repressed thoughts online and finish it

in one post. I have tried to write and lament about being fat at www.misscellulite.blogspot.com

But somehow halfway I realise that this is useless. I disassociate myself with another identity

when I actually have to face myself in the mirror every single morning. The Fat me. Just Me.



Fat pig, ah bui, fatty, miss piggy, feifei. ALL these have probably been used against me for my

whole life. Be it friends, enemies, even my family and relatives. Even though certain pple may

seem to laugh it off and make it seem like its a joke and they dun really bother, just bear in mind

that they themselves feel the punch in their ego everytime u say such spiteful stuff.



Everyone says that I am pretty. SO WHAT i say to myself. yeah. pretty fat u mean. "If only u

cld slim down.." I really wish i could. This fatness has become an obsession to me. A disease, an

affliction, a representation of failure, and the tumour that eats at me everytime i go out, or

participate in any activity.

Going Out

Going out has been really hard for me sometimes. Through transportation methods, it is very

obvious that size do matters. Not that I am just thinking merely the bad side of things, this is

reality. This is TRUE. This is what goes through my mind and this is what hurts me.


Buses is prob my most popular mean of transport. Gazing at seats make me tired and o so woeful

as it means having the fats of my thighs and butt sagging out of it. No big deal u say? Dun bother

you advise. Well its there and it sucks having pple brush against you everytime they have to

squeeze pass. Pple seem to dread sitting next to u. Your whole self dissapates when you

especially get forced to sit beside a really skinny trendy looking girl, who emphasizes your..

lemme say.. WHOLESOMENESS twice over.


MRT are improving i must say, with larger seats being provided for the benefit of my bigger

than normal butt. hohoho what can i say? the problem is not solved.

Clothes

Any size below 14 is unreachable for me. and i haven mentioned about my bottoms size yet.

Anyone fat in Singapore either get their clothes from the market, shops that have LARGER

THAN LIFE BANNERS that screams.. "XL to XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL". ok. maybe i am

exaggerating. But it goes something like that. If not, if u have a greater spending habits,

sometimes Topshop, Dorothy Perkins would be the place for u to try hunting for the last one

hidden BEHIND the rack. It is freaking shameful when the salsgirl ask you.. do u need any help?

and with ur reply and her judgement, she lifts up the WHOLE STACK of clothes to grab the last

one at the bottom. the biggest of them all. worst still, u probably look like miss singapore

dumpling in it if it doesn't fit.


Trendy is never something that a fat person would try to be. For example, BELTS. YOU wanna

die izzit. DO u want my fats to just droop over them when i sit down? OR are u suggesting that i

wear one to emphasize how many times around the world does the belt need to travel before the

clip? Even so, where on earth do i find one that fits anyway. overseas? Thats really not the point

seriously.


Next, so what u adorn makeup and beautiful jewellery? One apt event would be Yongshen's

party. No matter how much I try to look pretty, upon meeting up with Michelle and PEarly, my

ego and self confidence shrinks to anorexic proportions, unlike my body which remains the same.

Bags: everytime I think about purchasing one, the mini under-the-shoulder kind is out of the

question. They say u must buy one bag which is bigger. ha. So that it can cover ur fats of coz.

The art of concealment

This is no war between countries, but that of you yourself and cellulite. The art of concealment is

one strategy. Uncountable magazines show u ways of flattering your figure, wearing the 'right'

cuts, empahasizing the right parts. WHich part of me is right anyway. Prob just shoulders up.


If you just travel anywhere and notice a fat person, see how she covers up her anxiety and her

low self confidence. Either she folds her arms to cover her tummy, pull up her bag to try to hide

everything, or simply just forget the whole thing coz they have prob given up or choose to ignore

it.


Another one would be... to surround yourself with fatter beings. woohoo. salvation for everyone!

Fat pple often go out in groups. If your group of frens are so much smaller and thinner than u, u

might freaking get so discouraged that u 1. either cut yourself. 2. harbour ideas of becoming

bullimic. 3. no courage, just be jealous. If u dun fit into any of those? then u're really positive. I

congratulate u. I myself can never achieve that.

Who defines beauty? Of whose standards of society do we conform ourselves to?

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!

my baby always say that i am very beautiful to him. I beg to differ. If i can't believe it myself, love myself, this problem will bog me down all my life. It eats at me. It consumes me. The greed for food claws at me. I need out. EVen now as i'm typing, I can feel my overflowing fats from my cellulite laden tummy.help. save me.

*takes a deep breath*.... ok. Shall persevere for the whole week with Huili, running everyday. Hope to really see some changes, hoping for a miracle.

With much love,
Elaine